Colorado

Attachment Therapy

Feeling Disheartened, Hurt And Damaged By Relationships?

relationship counseling Colorado

Perhaps you are feeling lonely and disappointed that you find yourself in yet another toxic relationship, or you are newly single (again) and can’t seem to figure out why it is so hard for you to find the “right” person. You just can’t figure out why things keep going wrong in your relationships, or why you keep finding yourself in the same toxic patterns over and over again. It seems so easy for other people to find awesome relationships, you may be asking yourself, “why does it seem so hard for me!?”

It can be incredibly tough to keep pursuing the search for a healthy, happy, passionate relationship in spite of the heartbreaks you have endured. It’s also easy to lose confidence and self-esteem or begin to feel hardened and pessimistic about the idea of dating and opening up to people at all. After so many hurts, it’s almost terrifying to trust again.

Thankfully, there is hope! Attachment counseling can help you better understand who you are and what you want and need in relationships, why you do what you do, and how to heal attachment wounds that may be leading to unsuccessful patterns. Through therapy you can work to develop the insights, awareness, and personal skills that are necessary to build and maintain healthy, happy relationships (See my recent blog post on trust in relationships, too!)

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What are “Attachment Styles?”

  • Attachment styles are developed based on the types of interactions we had with our early caregivers. Caregivers who were consistent and mostly accurate in meeting our needs helped us to form a secure attachment. Caregivers who struggled to meet our needs likely laid the foundation for an insecure attachment style.
    Without any effort, our attachment styles usually stay consistent throughout the course of our lives; however, attachment styles are not permanent. Luckily, our brains can rewire pathways with the right kinds of experiences and attention. Basically, you can turn an insecure attachment style into a secure attachment style.

  • Approximately 20% of the population is anxiously attached (Levine & Heller, 2010). Anxiously attached individuals also desire intimacy but are extremely sensitive to perceived abandonment or lack of closeness. When they sense a threat to closeness, they often act out dramatically due to their lacking appropriate communication skills. Without a very calm, nurturing, and patient response from a partner, an anxiously attached person will feel amplified distress and will likely amplify acting out as a way of expressing their anxiety or fear of the loss of connection.

    Anxious attachment often develops due to certain early caregiver experiences. For example, a caregiver who was sometimes attentive and present to their infant’s needs, but other times absent tends to create a sense for the infant that other people cannot relied on to get their needs met because they are unpredictable. An infant may respond to this type of situation by becoming very anxious and cling to their caregivers in the attempt to draw in closeness from a caregiver, despite not trusting them.

  • Around 25% of the population is avoidantly attached (Levine & Heller, 2010). Avoidantly attached individuals do have a need for intimacy; however, they are likely to feel smothered by closeness. One of their main desires is independence and they often pull away frequently from their partners. Rather than having direct communication, they are likely to avoid heavy conversations and distance themselves from the relationship when conflict occurs.

    Avoidant attachment often develops when an early caregiver becomes irritated or angry when a child shows emotions or ignores their child’s cries or cues of distress. This pattern of behavior tends to cause the child to pull away, indicating a sense of understanding that no matter what they do their caregiver will not meet their needs. They tend to develop a very early sense of independence and a “swallowing” of emotions.

  • AKA Fearful-Avoidant Attachment.

    It’s likely that 3-5% of the population has a fearful-avoidant attachment style (Levine & Heller, 2010). People with this attachment vacillate between a combination of intense anxious and avoidant behaviors. They tend to have very unstable relationships with intense, and sometimes violent, behaviors.

    This attachment style typically develops if a caregiver is erratic, abusive, and chaotic—sometimes exhibiting big shows of love, other times being completely absent or neglectful, or being extremely angry or aggressive, a child will likely develop a sense of fear and mistrust towards their caregiver. They may desire closeness with their caregiver, but when they get close, they notice a sense of fear and pull away or act out.

  • About 50% of the population may be securely attached. Secure attachment style refers to a pattern of emotional and relational behavior characterized by trust, comfort with intimacy, and a sense of safety in close relationships. Individuals with a secure attachment style generally feel confident in themselves and their ability to form healthy, lasting relationships. They can rely on their partner for support while also being responsive and available to their partners' needs.

    People with a secure attachment style tend to have positives self-esteem and think positively of others, communicate effectively, and are generally comfortable with emotional intimacy. They are less likely to experience extreme anxiety or avoidance in relationships.

    Securely attached people were likely given consistent, responsive care from their caregivers in which they were able to learn to trust others and know that their needs matter.