What Does Self-Love Have to Do with Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds?

What Does Self-Love Have to Do with Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds?

Have you ever yearned for a secure, constant, and fulfilling love? If so, and you find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, or overly dependent in relationships, you may be experiencing anxious attachment. This attachment style, stemming from early childhood experiences, can fuel a constant need for reassurance and validation from others, making it challenging to build healthy, secure connections.

We often yearn for the "missing piece" - the love we might not have received in the past. We might think, "If nobody loved me the way I deserved, isn't that what's missing?" Unfortunately, the past is unchangeable. But the good news is, we can change ourselves. And that's where self-love comes in. By cultivating a deep sense of self-worth and compassion, we embark on a transformative journey towards healing the wounds of anxious attachment.

Understanding the Source: Early Experiences and Redefining Love

Imagine love as a map you received in childhood. For some of us with anxious attachment, that map might have been a little...crumpled and unclear. Maybe it offered confusing directions, or worse, led to dead ends. These early experiences shape our understanding of love, and just like following a faulty map, can lead us down paths that aren't fulfilling or healthy in our adult relationships.

But the good news is, you're not stuck with that old map! The power of self-love lies in realizing you can completely rewrite the script. You can 'unlearn' those initial lessons by charting a new course. It's about showering yourself with the love, compassion, and understanding you may have missed out on in the past. This is your chance to create a brand new map, one that leads you towards secure, fulfilling connections, starting with the most important one – the one with yourself.

Replacing Negative Beliefs: Self-Love as the Root of Change

Negative self-beliefs act like little whispers in your head, constantly reinforcing anxious attachment patterns. Statements like "I'm unlovable" or "I need constant reassurance" can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Imagine always expecting your partner to be distant or unavailable. This constant anxiety might lead you to cling to them more tightly, which could push them further away, confirming your initial belief.

Similarly, the belief "I can't be happy alone" can lead to settling for unhealthy relationships or staying in situations that don't fulfill you simply because you fear being alone. This behavior reinforces the idea that happiness comes solely from external validation, hindering your ability to build a strong, independent sense of self.

Self-love is the antidote to this self-fulfilling cycle. Imagine it as a gentle gardener, patiently uprooting these negative beliefs one by one. We can challenge and replace these limiting thoughts by cultivating self-compassion and understanding. It's not about grand gestures but consistent, everyday acts of self-care, like practicing positive affirmations, speaking up for yourself, or indulging in a relaxing activity you enjoy. Allowing secure attachment to blossom is about nurturing your self-worth, challenging those limiting beliefs, and realizing that you deserve happiness and love, regardless of what others do or don't offer.

Self-Love and Attachment Wounds: Facing the Challenge

The path to healing attachment wounds begins with a brave look in the mirror. It's not always comfortable to confront the ways in which you might be contributing to your own distress. However, through the lens of self-love, this becomes an empowering act, a testament to your worthiness of secure and satisfying love.

Self-love empowers you to recognize the red flags in relationships, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that honor your emotional well-being. It is a radical act of self-preservation that marks the beginning of a shift towards healthier, more secure attachments. It's about recognizing that you are worthy, not just as an intellectual idea, but something to be actively practiced.

Reparenting Through Self-Love: Healing the Inner Child

Reparenting is the profound and necessary process of meeting your own unmet childhood needs. This can sound daunting, but the truth is, you're the best person for the job. Through self-love, you can provide the compassion, nurturing, and understanding your inner child craves but hasn't adequately received. This is the essence of healing from anxious attachment—loving the parts of you that have suffered and, by doing so, facilitating growth and resilience.

Visualize the moments that disappointed or hurt your younger self, and imagine extending the care and comfort you needed at that time. Self-love offers this incredible superpower – the ability to heal our wounded past by directing love to the present and, in turn, building a loving future.

Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds: The Power of Self-Love 

This journey towards healing anxious attachment wounds through self-love is an empowering one. You embark on a transformative path by understanding the roots of your attachment style, replacing negative beliefs, and embracing the power of self-compassion.

Remember, self-love isn't a destination but a continuous journey. It's a daily practice, an ongoing conversation with oneself that acknowledges flaws and strides forward anyway. It requires patience, commitment, and a willingness to lean into the discomfort of change. But with every step you take grounded in self-love, you're inching closer to a more fulfilling, peaceful existence within your own skin and in your relationships.

If you're in Fort Collins and ready to take the next step on your healing journey, I invite you to seek support through therapy. I offer a free introductory call to discuss your goals and explore how I can help you cultivate self-love and build secure, fulfilling relationships. Together, we can create a roadmap towards the love and happiness you deserve.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here! I also provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!

Schedule your free introductory call today.

Healing from Within: Self-Care Practices for Anxious Attachment

Healing from Within: Self-Care Practices for Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment can make relationships feel like navigating through turbulent waters. The constant fear of abandonment, coupled with an unsettling sense of not being loveable or important, can be deeply overwhelming. Relentless worry is likely to erode your self-esteem and peace and create distress in any relationship.

But here's the comforting news: you can calm the storm within. It's not just about learning to ride out those intense waves of anxiety during arguments, waiting for texts, or interpreting perceived slights. It's about nurturing your emotional resilience, fostering the ability to self-soothe, and challenging the negative beliefs that hold you back from relationship peace.

Self-Care Strategies for Anxious Attachment

Overcoming anxious attachment isn't always smooth sailing, and that's okay. Instead of fearing the inevitable relationship bumps along the way or seeking immediate resolution, you can shift your focus toward creating a foundation of internal security and calm.

Let’s look at some practical steps you can take to work towards exactly this.

1) Developing a Toolkit of Self-Soothing Strategies

When anxiety tries to steer you off course and overwhelm you, it's crucial to have accessible, go-to coping strategies. These tools give you the power to manage those intense feelings and find peace within yourself, regardless of what is going on externally.

A few ideas include journaling to untangle your worries, exercising to release endorphins and boost your mood, spending time in nature or listening to soothing music to wash away stress. By finding what works for you and incorporating these practices into your daily routine, you empower yourself to manage anxiety, not the other way around.

2) Grounding Techniques and Mindfulness Meditation

When anxieties about the future take hold, "dropping anchor" through simple mindfulness techniques can help you stay centered in the here and now rather than getting swept up in "what if" thinking. Try grounding yourself with mindful breathing or meditative walks in nature, anchoring your awareness in the present.

3) Physical Self-Care Practices

Because the mind and body are so interconnected, a tense mind often leads to a tense body – and vice versa. Practices like deep breathing, yoga, and progressive muscle relaxation can release physical tension while acting as effective tools for a calmer, regulated nervous system and emotional balance.

4) Setting Boundaries in Relationships 

Those with anxious attachment often instinctively neglect personal needs to please their partners or fear that expressing needs will be “too much” for others and that doing so could lead to abandonment. However, learning to express yourself to ease attachment anxiety and ultimately achieve healthy relationships involves considering your feelings, too.

Use boundary setting as a way to slowly work your way out of your comfort, people-pleasing zone. Check whether a request fits your priorities before automatically saying yes or sacrificing for a partner, family member, or friend. When you want to say no, practice saying phrases like "I'm not comfortable with that right now" or "I need some me time tonight” or “let me get back to you about that” (my personal favorite because it buys you time to really consider what is right for you).

5) Practicing Self-Compassion

When your anxious attachment kicks in, it might lead to harsh self-judgment. You might blame yourself for conflict, catastrophize about rejection, or generalize negative thoughts about your worthiness and ability to maintain relationships.

The key is to interrupt this cycle at any point by developing self-compassionate tools.

Write a compassionate letter to yourself, and answer prompts such as, "If I could speak to a younger version of myself experiencing this, what would I say?" or "What qualities do I admire in myself that I need to remember right now?". Recite or journal positive affirmations like "I am worthy of love" or "I am capable of handling difficult situations."

6) Increasing Self-Awareness and Challenging Anxious Thoughts

Anxious attachment can skew our perceptions around relationships, leading us to jump to conclusions with thoughts like, "My partner doesn't truly care about me." Catching thought distortions through awareness loosens their anxiety-triggering grip.

Pay attention to what triggers your anxious feelings, like certain situations or conversations. When you notice critical self-talk after interactions ("I'm too needy, they're pulling away"), write down concrete examples. Before believing every anxious thought, ask yourself questions like "Is there evidence this worry is 100% true or likely?" and "How might I view this situation if I felt emotionally secure?" Insert kinder, more likely perspectives.

7) Visualizing Secure Relationships 

Positive visualizations are super powerful. Try envisioning interacting with loved ones from a grounded, secure place. When you notice attachment anxiety rising, close your eyes and picture speaking your needs kindly, but firmly, feeling understood. Imagine your posture open and relaxed as you receive care. Allow those emotions to soothe and steady you. This mental rehearsal can have surprisingly tangible outcomes as it reconditions your expectations and responses.

8) Seeking Supportive Relationships and Communities

Just as plants thrive in fertile soil, healing from anxious attachment flourishes in supportive environments. Efforts to foster positive connections—with friends, family, or support groups—can reinforce your sense of security. Share your journey with those who uplift and assure you, not those who amplify your fears.

9) Considering Therapy for Anxious Attachment

With every deep breath and moment spent calmly facing discomfort, you strengthen your emotional muscles. You're rewiring your neural pathways in your brain for trust and resilience, becoming your own anchor in the storms. You begin to be very aware that these feelings will pass, and you can weather them all.

Still, having a caring professional can help effectively identify the roots of ingrained patterns, offering insight and personalized strategies to overcome anxious attachments and navigate relationships from a more secure place.

If you want help healing your anxious attachment, know that support is available. Reach out to me at Hannah Dorsher Coaching for attachment-based coaching. I have an 8- week group coaching program coming up early 2024 as well—sign up for my email list here and get my free attachment quiz to find out your attachment style while also getting updates about my program start dates and information.

If you want to get started healing now, you can also download my free guide: Anxious to Secure in Motherhood and Marriage here!

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here! I also provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!

Building Secure Attachment Styles in Children

Building Secure Attachment Styles in Children 

As a parent, you want your baby to feel safe, loved, and ready to take on the world. Developing a secure attachment lays the foundation. When you respond reliably, it teaches your child that they can depend on you when distressed. This shapes their brain, emotional skills, and how they relate to others now and into adulthood.

But what if you don't always get it "right"? Will your child be doomed? Let's talk about secure attachment in kids, how to foster it, and why being a "good enough" caregiver matters most.

Why Does Secure Attachment in Children Matter? 

Attachment refers to the connection built through consistent care in the early years. Secure means the child trusts you'll meet their needs with warmth. Insecure is when parents seem unavailable, rejecting, or anxious. One makes kids feel safe—the other...not so much.

Studies show kids with secure attachment have better impulse control, cope with stress more easily, and carry confidence into relationships and schooling. They are also less likely to internalize issues like anxiety and depression and externalize behaviors like acting out. As a result of this and other factors, children with secure attachment styles are more likely to have better mental health outcomes throughout their lives. 

On the other hand, insecure attachment can negatively impact development in areas like behavior, emotional skills, and poor boundaries with others. So yeah, it's kind of a big deal! The great news is that there are ways to nurture secure bonds even if you had an unstable childhood. 

Signs of an Insecure Bond

Caregivers play a crucial role in shaping their children's attachment styles, significantly impacting their emotional and interpersonal well-being throughout life. For example, if your tiny human frequently seems terrified when you leave, wants to be held 24/7, or freaks out when plans change, they may struggle with attachment anxiety. This often happens when parents hover but then check out emotionally. The inconsistency is unsettling. If your own anxiety kicks in around parenting, it likely reads as unreliable and untrusting to them, which can affect their sense of trust in the people and world around them.

How to Build Secure Attachment Styles in Children

The best way to foster secure attachment styles in children is to help them feel secure by offering connected, responsive care. Here are some practical ways to build a secure attachment style in your kids:

• Be reliable in meeting needs and promises. Hunger, hugs, playtime. If you say you'll read three books before bed, follow through.

Consistently meeting a child's physical and emotional needs builds a sense of security and trust. When children can count on their caregivers for consistency in basic necessities, emotional support, and even scheduling, it fosters a strong foundation for a secure attachment. 

• Comfort them when they're upset in a warm, soothing way. Teach coping skills, too, like deep breathing or hugging a stuffed animal.

Providing comfort in distress helps children regulate their emotions and develop a secure base. Teaching coping skills further empowers them to manage their feelings, contributing to emotional resilience.

• Respect their quest for independence as they grow. As your child starts taking on more responsibilities, like getting themselves ready for school, allow them the space to navigate their morning routine independently.

While your instinct might be to intervene, showing respect for their growing autonomy reinforces their confidence and independence and fosters a secure attachment by acknowledging their ability to handle new challenges.

• Give plenty of affection along with maintaining gentle boundaries. Think regular snuggles but not letting them sleep in your bed at age 8.

Balancing affection with boundaries creates a secure and predictable environment. Regular affection reinforces emotional connection while maintaining age-appropriate boundaries helps children understand limits and develop a sense of safety.

• Keep discipline, tone of voice, and routine consistent. The same tantrum gets the same sequence of warning, time out, and then reconciliation talk.

Consistent discipline and routine provide a structured environment that helps children feel secure. Predictable consequences for actions, a consistent tone of voice, and routine sequences contribute to stable and reliable caregiving.

• Listen attentively when they speak to you. Make eye contact, paraphrase what you hear, and empathize with their feelings.

Attentive listening communicates that a child's thoughts and feelings are valued, enhancing communication and strengthening the connection between caregiver and child.

• Play in ways that foster imagination, creativity, and confidence. Let them take the lead, be silly, and get comfortable taking risks.

Play is crucial for emotional expression, learning, and strengthening the bond between caregivers and children.

• Helping them handle upsets through emotional labeling: When your child is upset, help them put their feelings into words. For example, if they're angry, they might say, "I'm mad because my friend took my toy without asking."

Teaching children emotional intelligence helps them understand and manage their emotions. By providing tools like emotional labeling and role-playing, caregivers empower children to navigate social interactions and express themselves, contributing to a secure attachment.

Why "Good Enough" Parenting is Enough

The key to creating secure attachment in children is to make them feel safe opening up, soothed when distressed, and secure enough in your bond to explore life freely. This means finding a balance between comforting and allowing age-appropriate freedom. It's time to see yourself as their secure base - the anchor they can trust to return to after difficult feelings arise.

But what if, despite your efforts, you still don't get it right all the time? First, join the club! Perfection is impossible. The goal isn't mistake-free caregiving - it's continuing to show up, make amends, and rebuild bonds after conflicts happen or you lose your cool.

Research actually shows secure attachment happens when a parent gets it right about 50% of the time! Your child only needs you to be "good enough" - not perfect.

And get yourself support when you need it! Parenting is hard on good days. If your own anxiety or past issues get kicked up, attachment-based counseling can help you break cycles. There will be messy moments, but security can happen through a commitment to good enough. 

If you have concerns about insecure or anxious attachment impacting your child or parenting, please know help is available. I encourage you to schedule your free 15-minute consultation today. (Colorado and Florida residents only).

You can also get started healing your anxious attachment today by downloading my free guide: Anxious to Secure in Motherhood and Marriage here, or learn to regulate your emotions skillfully by downloading my free Emotion Regulation Skills Guide here.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!

Understanding the Impact of Anxious Attachment in Motherhood

Understanding the Impact of Anxious Attachment in Motherhood

From the moment you first saw that positive pregnancy test, the worries may have already started flooding your mind. Will I be a good mom? What if I can't soothe the baby when they cry? How will I protect my child from every imaginable danger in this big, bad world?

You had eagerly awaited motherhood yet still found yourself unexpectedly plunged into anxiety. If this resonates at all, know that you're not alone. Let's explore how having an anxious attachment style can unexpectedly impact motherhood and practical ways to manage the challenges with self-compassion.

What is Anxious Attachment and Why Does it Develop?

Anxious attachment is an emotional regulation style rooted in childhood. Those with an anxious attachment tend to be highly sensitive and emotionally reactive. They deeply desire close relationships but also feel insecure and fearful of rejection.

Anxious attachment typically stems from inconsistent nurturing in early childhood. If your primary caregivers were sometimes there for you, but other times they were absent or inconsistent, it can leave you with a deep-seated fear of being abandoned. Unfortunately, this fear can stick with you into adulthood, even if your current circumstances don't justify it. So, if you find yourself feeling anxious in motherhood and relationships, it's not your fault. It's just that early nurturing might have left you with some lingering uncertainties.

How and Why Anxious Attachment Issues Crop Up in Motherhood

If you're a mom with an underlying anxious attachment style, it can catch you off guard by intensifying in new ways:

Intense Worries About Meeting Your Child's Needs: You may constantly second-guess your ability to properly nurture, soothe, and support your child's development. This often stems from a deeply rooted fear of failing those who are reliant on you in the way you may have felt failed as a child. If left unaddressed, this can contribute to missing developmental cues from your child and struggling to attune to their needs.

Difficulty Tolerating Cries: Your baby's cries might fill you with self-blame and painful distress vs. merely signaling your little one's unmet needs. This reflects core fears of rejection after a lifetime of feeling unsafe expressing your own needs and emotions. Over time, always being on high alert for cries can deplete your reserves, leaving minimal patience for responding sensitively.

Hypervigilance About Safety: You may exhaust yourself trying to prevent any imaginable danger that stems from an inability to tolerate feelings of vulnerability. Despite best efforts, no one can ever make life completely risk-free. The futile attempt to do so can become all-consuming, limiting your child's opportunities to explore, take risks, and build resilience.

Losing Yourself and Feeling Overwhelmed: Balancing motherhood and personal identity can uncover unresolved issues of self-worth stemming from emotional neglect in childhood. In order to avoid burnout and consistently and compassionately care for your little one, it's crucial to refuel by addressing your own needs.

Fear of Judgment: Every perceived judging look or comment from friends or family about your child's development can feel like criticism directed at your inherent worthiness and abilities as a mother. Pre-existing worries amplify shame, leaving you feeling under constant scrutiny. Over time, strain on these relationships can lead to isolation and reluctance to seek support.

Difficulty Trusting Childcare Help: Being there for your child is important, but you can't do all of it alone. Allowing others to help can give your child valuable experiences and help them connect with others, build confidence, and grow.

Of course, no mother escapes occasional bouts of parental anxiety. But those with anxious attachment often endure this intensity of worry far more frequently, which can, in turn, impact kids. Research shows anxious parenting correlates to anxious children. But when mothers feel secure within themselves, children intuitively build their own sense of emotional safety and trust.

The good news is that awareness of your attachment tendencies, including thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, is the first step. From here, you can learn new strategies to quiet the anxious mind - not just to get through those early years of parenthood but to show up fully present for your child's whole journey.

Strategies for Coping with Anxious Attachment in Motherhood

As an anxiously attached mother myself, I've learned coping strategies that help minimize angst and show up more fully present:

Seek understanding and compassion. Recognize these common struggles as wired-in sensitivity vs. personal failure or weakness.

Enlist support systems. New mom groups, nannies, friends, family, and therapy can all help reality-check worries.

Prioritize self-care. Carve out small pockets of space for sleep, nutritious meals, movement, and fun amidst mom chaos.

Cultivate emotional regulation skills. Practice mindfulness, deep breathing, journaling, etc., to manage difficult emotions when triggered.

Set healthy boundaries with your child. As a mother with an anxious attachment, it's especially difficult to balance your and your child's needs. Put aside regular alone time to recharge, and remember that it's okay for your child to develop independence and self-soothing skills, too.

Let go of judging yourself and others. Compassion for the universal challenges of motherhood is freeing.

Stay grounded in your values and hopes as a parent. Allow your values and priorities to guide you; let your focus on what matters steer you from getting lost in the anxiety maze.

Every Day is a New Day

The transition to motherhood stirs up intense emotions for everyone. But for those with an anxious attachment style, it can be especially overwhelming and filled with self-doubt. That's why getting support tailored to your unique needs matters so much for you and your little one.

Even small steps toward understanding yourself and your attachment style can start ripples of positive change for your family. And remember, Mom, you are not just "anxious;" you are a sensitive, caring soul walking your own path. Stay faithful that all the effort you pour into raising babies rooted first and foremost in unconditional love will sustain them well throughout life.

If aspects of this anxious motherhood journey resonate and you want specialized care in addressing anxious attachment patterns, I encourage you to schedule your free 15-minute consultation today. (Colorado and Florida residents only).

You can also get started healing your anxious attachment today by downloading my free guide: Anxious to Secure in Motherhood and Marriage here, or learn to regulate your emotions skillfully by downloading my free Emotion Regulation Skills Guide here.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!

Nurturing Secure Bonds: How Anxious Attachment Impacts Your Marriage and Ways to Minimize Its Impact

The worry starts as a small knot in your stomach when your spouse seems distant. Then it grows into full-blown panic, convinced they will leave you. The highs are so high, but the lows leave you devastated. You obsess about every text, every absent kiss. Your emotions spiral out of control despite your best efforts. You know your reactions only push your partner away, but you feel powerless to stop them.

You desperately long for unbreakable bonds of love and security, but your patterns keep sabotaging it. It hurts. You feel like something is deeply wrong with you. But the truth is, your reactions make total sense based on your experiences. With compassion for yourself and some new relational skills, you can minimize an anxious attachment style's impact on your marriage. You deserve to feel secure. Let's walk through this together.

The Impact of Anxious Attachment on Marriage

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might feel like the fear of abandonment is always looming over you. It can seem like your partner leaving you is a constant possibility, even if there are no signs of it happening. That's why you may crave constant validation, like hearing "I love you" or being held in an embrace. But the thing is, this need for constant reassurance can put a strain on your relationship.

Your partner may start feeling like they're not doing enough to make you feel secure and can become resentful over time. Additionally, you may find yourself overthinking or worrying excessively over small issues or perceived rejections, feeling overwhelmed by anything from missed phone calls to canceled plans.

Communication, which is key in healthy marriages, can be particularly difficult in anxious attachment marriages. Anxious attachers who struggle to discuss their emotions, anxieties, and needs may avoid vulnerability, fearing rejection or abandonment. This makes it harder for their partner to understand their emotions and respond appropriately, leading to frequent misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional reactions that erode trust and communication over time.

Furthermore, when your anxieties get triggered, you may feel like you're in a state of emotional turmoil, with heightened anger, sadness, or anxiety. Managing conflicts and resolving issues can also grow more difficult, as struggles to regulate emotions lead to engagement in repetitive behaviors like clinginess, jealousy, or hypervigilance. In some cases, the impact of anxious attachment may extend to parenting, potentially shaping their children's emotional well-being and relationship behaviors.

 Ultimately, anxious attachment significantly impacts overall relationship satisfaction over time. The constant need for reassurance and emotional fluctuations can lead to feelings of unhappiness and unfulfillment, hindering the growth and development of the marriage. If left unaddressed, these patterns can cause long-term damage to the relationship. But by addressing these impacts of anxious attachment on marriage, individuals and couples can better understand their challenges and work towards creating a more secure and fulfilling relationship.

Nurturing Secure Attachment in Your Marriage

While anxious attachment presents challenges, with understanding and effort, you can minimize its impact and nurture more security.

Recognizing Your Attachment Style: To initiate change in your attachment style and its impact on your marriage, start by gaining self-awareness about how it shapes your relational dynamics. Reflect on questions like, "Do I often fear abandonment?" or "Am I overly dependent on my partner's reassurance?"

Identifying Triggers and Patterns: Uncover the specific situations or interactions in your relationship that trigger your anxious attachment tendencies. Notice recurring themes, like perceived distance or ambiguous communication, to better understand and navigate your reactions.

Expressing Needs and Fears: Foster emotional intimacy by openly sharing your attachment-related needs, thoughts, and fears with your partner. This vulnerability provides insight into your world and helps them offer support and appropriate reassurance.

 Active Listening: Effective communication goes both ways. Actively listen to your partner's experiences and emotions to build empathy and trust, creating a healthy attachment environment. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries: One of the biggest struggles for anxious attachment is setting healthy boundaries in relationships. But the more you practice setting and maintaining comforting boundaries that prevent emotional overwhelm without feeling guilty, the more you'll understand that boundaries are not walls but bridges to healthier connections.

 Prioritizing Self-Care & Self-Love: Avoid neglecting your needs to put your partner first, as it reinforces unhealthy patterns. Prioritize self-care to reduce stress and communicate to yourself the validity of your needs.

 Self-Soothing & Mindfulness: Harness self-soothing techniques like deep breathing or grounding exercises to gain control over emotional reactions. Practice mindfulness to recognize and choose healthier responses to attachment triggers.

 Coregulation: Embrace coregulation, a powerful attachment concept, by calming an activated nervous system through shared calmness, active listening, physical touch, and non-verbal warmth. Let your partner's regulated presence soothe your distress.

 It's essential to understand that anxious attachment doesn't define you or your ability to have a healthy relationship. It's a pattern that can be understood, addressed, and worked through with your partner – but it all starts with you.

Therapy for Anxious Attachment in Marriage

Anxious attachment is an understandable response to unreliable early relationships. But if you struggle with an anxious attachment style, attachment-based therapy is a powerful option to improve your marriage.

Attachment-based therapy starts with increased self-awareness, allowing you to understand the origins of your attachment style and how it impacts your relationship behavior. You'll learn coping skills to manage anxiety and insecurity through techniques like mindfulness and self-soothing. Through this process, your self-esteem and self-compassion will increase,  leading to a more secure sense of self and reducing the need for constant reassurance from your spouse.

What's really impactful about this therapy is the therapeutic relationship you develop with your therapist. This relationship offers a secure base for healing attachment wounds and experiencing healthy attachment dynamics. You'll develop trust and feel secure, which can translate to other relationships, including marriage. Ultimately, you'll gain the tools and insights to navigate your attachment style and build a healthier, more fulfilling marriage.

So, if you want to improve your marriage and heal from attachment wounds, try attachment-based therapy! Seek support from me at Hannah Dorsher Counseling in Florida or Colorado. You can also download my FREE 4 Steps to Go From Anxious to Secure Attachment Guide here and get started now. With time, effort, and commitment, you can minimize the impact of anxious attachment on your marriage and cultivate a secure and loving marriage.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I work with clients in CO and FL. Schedule a free consultation call with me here!