The Invisible Load of Motherhood During the Holidays: Recognizing and Healing

If you’re a mom, you already carry an invisible mental load every single day—planning, anticipating, soothing, remembering, coordinating, and holding everyone’s emotional worlds together.

But when the holidays arrive?
That mental load often triples overnight.

Suddenly you’re not just a mom—you’re a gift shopper, decorator, memory-maker, schedule manager, chef, therapist, extended-family buffer, tradition keeper, and crisis diffuser. All while trying to give your kids a magical holiday season and not completely lose yourself in the process.

From an attachment lens, the holiday season can activate deep emotional wounds—especially if you grew up in a chaotic home, an emotionally unavailable home, or one where the holiday pressure was intense. Research has consistently shown that our early attachment experiences shape how we respond to stress and caregiving roles as adults (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). So when you feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or even resentful this time of year, it’s not because you’re “failing”—it’s because the season itself is triggering.

Let’s talk about what the invisible load of motherhood during the holidays really looks like, how it intersects with attachment, and—most importantly—how you can begin to heal.

What the Invisible Load Actually Is (and Why Moms Feel It Most)

The “invisible load” (sometimes called the cognitive or mental load) refers to the ongoing, often unnoticed labor required to keep a household functioning. This includes the thinking, planning, anticipating, emotional management, and coordinating that falls disproportionately on mothers.

Studies confirm that mothers perform significantly more mental labor than fathers, especially around emotional caregiving (Craig & Churchill, 2020). And the holidays add:

• Managing gift lists

• Organizing events and parties

• Handling travel logistics

• Maintaining family traditions

• Navigating extended-family expectations

• Holding the emotional atmosphere so “everyone has a good time”

That’s a lot of weight to carry—especially if you’re doing it without adequate support.

How Attachment Wounds Make the Holidays Harder

Holidays are full of attachment triggers:
Family gatherings, expectations, disappointment, conflict, overstimulation, old wounds resurfacing, and the pressure to create a “perfect” holiday for your kids.

If you have anxious attachment, you may feel:

• Pressure to keep everyone happy

• Fear of disappointing family

• Worry that you’re “not doing enough”

• Difficulty resting or delegating

If you have avoidant attachment, you may notice:

• Feeling shut down or numb

• Wanting distance from the chaos

• Overwhelm when others need too much

• Pulling inward instead of connecting

And if you are a survivor of birth trauma, holiday stress can intensify your nervous system’s activation. Research shows that traumatic experiences can heighten stress sensitivity and emotional overload, especially during demanding seasons (National Institute of Mental Health, 2023).

In other words:
Your holiday stress is not a personal flaw—it’s connected to your nervous system, your history, and the roles you’ve been conditioned to take on.

5 Ways to Begin Healing the Invisible Holiday Load

Below are practical, attachment-informed strategies to lighten the emotional weight this season carries.

1. Name Your Mental Load Out Loud

Visibility reduces overwhelm.
Research on emotional labor shows that when cognitive tasks are named and shared, stress decreases dramatically (Daminger, 2019).

Try this:
Write out everything on your holiday “mental list.”
Then—share it with a partner, friend, or support person.
Ask directly:
“Can you fully take over one or two of these tasks this year?”

This is redistributing the load.

2. Set “Good Enough” Holiday Expectations

Attachment researcher Donald Winnicott famously described the power of the “good enough” mother—not perfect, just present.

The same applies to holidays.
Your kids don’t need Pinterest-level holidays.
They need you regulated enough to enjoy being with them.

When you catch yourself spiraling into “more, more, more,” pause and ask:
“What would ‘good enough’ look like today?”

It’s usually far simpler than you think.

3. Create a Nervous-System Reset Ritual

The holiday season can overload your sensory and emotional bandwidth. To prevent burnout, build in micro-regulation moments:

• Put your hand on your chest and breathe into your palm

• Spend 2 minutes grounding with both feet on the floor

• Step outside for fresh air

• Use a warm compress on your shoulders or chest

• Move your body in slow, gentle ways

Regulation isn’t a luxury—it’s the foundation of secure attachment.

4. Set Boundaries with People Who Drain You

Holidays often bring you into contact with old attachment wounds.
If a family member is critical, dismissive, or overwhelming, you’re allowed to:

• Limit your time

• Leave early

• Decline invitations

• Have “planned breaks”

• Choose peace over pressure

Remember: Your motherhood does not require martyrdom.

5. Get Support for Your Attachment + Motherhood Journey

Healing becomes easier when you’re not doing it alone.

If the invisible load feels heavier this year, or you notice old wounds resurfacing, therapy or attachment coaching can help you reclaim calm, clarity, and connection.

I support women, moms, and birth trauma survivors through:

• Attachment-focused therapy (CO + FL)

• EMDR for trauma + birth trauma

• Attachment and motherhood coaching worldwide

• My course: Anxious to Secure: Healing Your Anxious Attachment

You don’t have to carry the holidays—or motherhood—alone.

About the Author

Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist and attachment + motherhood coach specializing in anxiety, attachment wounds, birth trauma, and relationship healing. She offers therapy to clients in CO and FL and attachment/motherhood coaching to women worldwide.
Learn more about her course Anxious to Secure—Healing Your Anxious Attachment and her therapy services here.

APA References

Craig, L., & Churchill, B. (2020). Dual-earner parent couples’ work and care during COVID-19. Gender, Work & Organization, 28(S1), 66–79. https://doi.org/10.1111/gwao.12497

Daminger, A. (2019). The cognitive dimension of household labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press. https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462525544National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Post-traumatic stress disorder.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment. London: Hogarth Press.