How Transitions Trigger Attachment Wounds (And What to Do About It)
Transitions are hard.
They’re messy, emotional, often disorienting. And if you have attachment wounds, they can feel like emotional whiplash.
And yes, I’m speaking from experience. My son started preschool a couple days ago and I became the puddle of tears in the parking lot. Him? Thriving. Me? Google searching “Is it normal to cry more than your child on the first day of preschool?”
The truth is, even when a transition is a good thing—like starting school, moving into a new season of life, becoming a mom, starting a new relationship, or returning to a consistent routine—it can still activate old attachment wounds. Let’s talk about why that happens and, more importantly, what you can do about it.
Why Transitions Feel So Triggering When You Have Attachment Wounds
Transitions are inherently full of uncertainty. You’re moving from what you’ve known to what’s unknown. For people with attachment wounds that lack of control and predictability can feel like a threat.
Here’s why:
Attachment is about safety. Our nervous system is wired to seek proximity to safe, known people and environments. When something changes—whether it’s a new school year, a relationship status, or a routine—it disrupts our sense of safety.
You might subconsciously associate change with loss. If your early caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or critical, you may have internalized the belief that change = abandonment, rejection, or instability.
Transitions force us to let go of old roles. Becoming a mom, sending your child to school, moving, changing jobs—these all require letting go of an identity. That grief can stir up feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, or fear of not being needed anymore.
So if you find yourself extra anxious, irritable, clingy, or emotionally numb during transitions, know this: your nervous system is responding exactly as it was trained to. It’s not you being “too much.” It’s your attachment system trying to keep you safe.
Signs Your Attachment Wounds Are Being Activated
You might not always realize what’s happening underneath the surface. Here are some subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that your attachment wounds are activated:
You feel an intense need for reassurance or connection
You find yourself people-pleasing or over-functioning in relationships
You’re withdrawing, numbing out, or disconnecting emotionally
You’re mentally spinning or catastrophizing future outcomes
You feel “off” and can’t pinpoint why
You’re feeling more irritable
If these sound familiar, you’re not broken—you may just be experiencing a flare-up of old relational pain.
What You Can Do About It
Let’s walk through a few ways to stay grounded and secure when transitions trigger you:
1. “Name It to Tame It”
Start by identifying what you’re feeling. Is it grief? Fear? Loneliness? Uncertainty? When we name our emotional experience, we create distance between us and the feeling which allows us to respond instead of react.
Try saying to yourself: “This is a transition, and it makes sense that I feel dysregulated. My brain is searching for safety right now.”
2. Validate, Don’t Minimize
You might be tempted to tell yourself, “This isn’t a big deal,” or “Other moms aren’t this emotional.” Stooop. That invalidation only deepens the wound as this is a form of emotional self-neglect or self-abandonment. Instead, try affirming yourself with compassion: “Of course I feel this way. This reminds my nervous system of other times I felt unsure or disconnected. But I’m safe now.”
3. Use Transitional Rituals
Humans thrive on routine and ritual, especially when going through change. Create small touchpoints of familiarity:
A morning check-in with yourself or your child
A grounding walk at the same time each day
A calming scent (coffee beans, anyone?) to anchor your nervous system
Rituals give your body the signal: “We’re safe. We’ve done this before. We’ll do it again.”
4. Lean on Secure Relationships
Transitions are not the time to isolate. Reach out to the people who help you feel seen, soothed, and supported. That might be a friend, a partner, a therapist, or a fellow preschool mom who also cried in her car.
Secure connection heals insecure patterns. Let yourself be held—emotionally and relationally.
5. Tend to Your Inner Child
If transitions are bringing up big feelings, chances are your inner child is feeling scared or unseen. Take a few moments to journal or speak directly to that younger part of you, saying something like, “Hey, little me. I know this feels scary. You’re not alone anymore. I’ve got you.” (Bonus points if you do this while looking at a picture of younger you.)
6. Grounded Stillness (A Somatic Safety Exercise)
This exercise is simple but powerful and very much in line with Dr. Aimie Apigian’s approach to creating safety in the body to support healing.
Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable. Ideally, your back is supported and your feet can touch the ground (if seated).
Press your feet into the floor. Notice the sensation of contact. You can even say to yourself, “My feet are on the ground. I am here.”
Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Begin to breathe slowly and deeply. Aim for longer exhales than inhales (e.g., inhale for 4, exhale for 6).
Do a gentle body scan. Without judgment, notice where there’s tension, tingling, or any sensation. Just observe.
Whisper a message of safety to your body. You can use something like:
“You’re safe now. You don’t have to brace anymore.”
This engages your parasympathetic nervous system, tells your body it’s not in danger, and helps create a felt sense of safety which is the foundation for securely attached responses, especially during transitions.
In Case You Need the Reminder…
Feeling dysregulated during transitions doesn’t mean you’re regressing. It means you’re human and your attachment system is doing what it was wired to do.
But healing is possible.
The more you show up for yourself with compassion, the more you strengthen your secure self, the more you create a felt sense of safety for yourself–the one who can walk through transitions and hold space for the emotional waves that come with them.
And if you’re crying more than your pre-schooler at drop-off?
Same, girl. Same.
You’ve got this.
If you want help navigating attachment triggers, transitions, or mom life in general, I’ve got resources for you—from individual therapy and 1:1 coaching to online courses to weekend mom retreats. Check out more here.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Relationship & Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL, and I provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!! Check out my Anxious Attachment course: Anxious to Secure—Healing Your Anxious Attachment—here.
